Well, here I am, 2 months and 1 day since my last update. You can safely assume that I've made no progress, weight-loss wise, and I've been horrified at the idea of giving you all that information. But now that it's out of the way...
I just got over a wicked case of bronchitis, or something very bronchitis-like. I've been on the bench for the last 4ish weeks, and tomorrow is my first day back at the gym. I'm feeling very.... indifferent. I'm not nervous or excited.... I'm not really sure what to expect. I suppose you could say I'm a little anxious. I've been trying to keep up with my food, but as far as exercise goes, it's been for the most part non-existent. I've been on a few walks in the last week, but the first few weeks I was basically on bed rest. I hope I'm never in that situation again, but I suppose when you only get sick every few years it's on natural for it to hit you hard.
I'm not sure what's up with my weight, and I'm not really sure what's up with my attitude. I feel defeated, and I sometimes feel like a failure. Like I've failed myself, but more importantly, I've failed all of you and all of the people I had a part in inspiring in the beginning. Maybe I should be thinking more about me and less about you, but that's just not natural for me.
I talked to a friend last week about how I've been feeling, and I came to a realization. I knew there would be physical plateaus, and I expected them, and I was prepared for them. What I didn't expect or prepare for were mental/psychological plateaus. In the beginning of this "plateau", the first weeks when I wasn't down or I was up a teensy bit, it didn't affect me much. I felt like maybe there were things I needed to improve on (truth: I knew there were things I needed to improve on.) But week, after week, after week, after week.... well, it builds up like a big ball of fiery self-doubt and pity, and that has gotten me nowhere. I know that I need to "go back to the drawing board" or "start from square one". I need to get back to the mindset I had a year ago when I knew this was what I wanted, and I believed I would reach my goals. I need to remember WHY I'm doing this, and think about my precious (future) babies who I will want nothing more than to have a healthy life.
Thoughts and prayers will be greatly appreciated on the next leg of this journey.
p.s. Sorry this was such a downer! Love you all!
we will help each other my friend. i got on the scale tonight and i laughed (to keep from crying). how did i let myself get back to this place. we will get there! and we KNOW we can do this because we were doing it before. we are good at square one...so its a good place to start.
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